Included here are some examples of the kind of stuff we find is both easy to do, and creates lots
"INTERNATIONAL NIGHT" started with RUSSIA.
Vladimir Klutzo( arm the torpedoes)
There is the captain at the periscope, three people with their hands on the shoulders of the person in front of them,
and Vladimir at the back. Whatever the captain commands is echoed as quickly as possible through the chain of command.
Here vee are in our Soviet submarine. Ahead vee have an enemy fessel. Prepare dee torpedos!
dee torpedoes, prepare dee torpedoes, prepare dee torpedoes.)
After staring at the many buttons with a stupified
expression, Vladimir says, I don't know how!
(He don't know how, he don't know how, he don't know how,) back
to the captain in front.)
Mein Gott, vat stupidity! Press dee Green button! (press dee green button, ...)
Vladimir hunts a bit, brightens up, and presses the green button... Torpedoes prepared
I haff him! Fire dee torpedoe one! (Fire ...)
I do not know how...
(He do not ...)
By dee czar's mustache ... press dee Blue button! (Press ...)
the blue button with a flourish, Shhhhh, then the chain of command from Vladimir back to the captain says... Shhhh! Shhhh!
Shhhh! to imitate the torpedo being fired and rushing ahead.
Damm! Vee missed! Fire torpedo Two! (Fire torpedo
two, fire ...)
I do not know how... (he do not ...)
Wass fuer ein Polak ... press dee Yellow
Button! (Press de yellow button...) Vlad presses button Shhhh! Shhhh! Shhhhh!(the torpedo is fired)
missed again! Iff vee miss a third time, I shall shoot myself! Fire torpedo Three! (Fire ...)
I do not know
how... (he do not ...)
Dee Orange button! (Dee Orange...)
Vlad presses button Shhhh! Shhhh!
Vee haff missed a third time. I am not vurthee to serff mein country. Gootbye. And he shoots himself.
The second guy picks up the gun, and shoots himself. And the third. And the fourth.
picks up the gun, looks at it this way and that, then says,... I do not know how...
Next came America
City Slicker(America) The characters are a City Slicker( a driver), and Ma,
Pa, Boy, and Sis. The city Slicker drives up in front of the log cabin and honks his automobile horn. Ma comes out of the
MA: Howdy! What ya'll want?
DRIVER: How do I get to Chattanooga?
I don't rightly know, but I'll ask my son. Sonny (calls into the cabin), how do you get to Chattanooga?
out): I don't rightly know. I'll ask Sis. Sis! How do you get to Chattanooga?
SIS(comes out): I don't rightly
know. I'll ask Pa. Pa! How do you get to Chattanooga?
PA(comes out): Let me see now (scratches head). I guess
I don't know either.
DRIVER: Boy, you people are sure dumb. You don't know anything, do you?
Well, it's this away. We might not be very smart, but we ain't lost.
And now for dear old England
WHAT SOCIALIZED MEDICINE IS LEADING TO IN ENGLAND
Well its come dear, our 5th anniversary and no children. If only I had known they would pass a law like this.
HUSBAND: Yes and there is no way around it either, I read and re-read it, Falling Birth Rates. It is compulsory for married
couples to have at least 1 child within 5 years of their married life. Failure to comply with this act will entail the services
of a Government Agent being called in to assist.
WIFE: Oh dear, I suppose the man from the Ministry of Births
will be here to..
HUSBAND: I suppose so. Well, I have to be off to work (exit husband)
AT THE DOOR: Good morning, I have come to...
WIFE: Yes I know. Come in. Will you excuse me for a minute (exit wife)
MAN. ( to himself ) I suppose this is the right address. However I don't want to impose. I don't see why these
proud mothers can't bring their babies to the studio to be photographed. Still, she seems to be expecting me.
WIFE: (coming back) Won't you sit down Mr...
MAN: Jones is the name. I suppose your husband is agreeable to this.
WIFE: Yes, we both think it is the best thing, seeing he can't do it.
MAN: Yes, a professional
touch is really necessary for perfect results. Well. I might as well get busy. May I suggest 2 on the sofa, 1 on the mat,
another in the bathtub and 1 more on the bed?
WIFE: Good heavens. I didn't think that many would be necessary.
MAN: Well Madam, even the best of us can't get a good one every time. but 1 out of 5 is bound to take.
WIFE: Forgive me, but it really seems a little informal doesn't?
MAN: The charm of the thing is the informality.
Would you like to see some samples of my work (producing his photographs). Now look at this baby, took me 4 hours to get but
isn't he a beauty?
WIFE: Yes a lovely child to be sure.
MAN: And look at this one. This was
tough assignment, done on top of a bus in 1 shot.
WIFE: Good heavens on top of a bus?
It's not really too difficult after a bit of practice and I do get a kick out of my work. Now here's one done in Selfridges
WIFE: Selfridges window? Doesn't that seem a little public?
MAN: Yes but the mother
was a film actress and wanted publicity. Now the other one here was my toughest assignment. I did this job in St. James Park
one snowy afternoon. Took me from 2 until 5. Worst conditions I ever worked under.
WIFE: (weakly) St. James
park? MY GOD AND TWINS TOO.
MAN: It was some job. People were crowding about me 4 and 5 deep to get a look
at my work.
WIFE: Oh! Oh!
MAN: I could never have finished it except for the assistance of
2 bobbies.. I would have got another shot, but for the squirrels, they kept nibbling away at my equipment. Now then Madam,
will you help me get my tripod erected? You see I have a 3 footer. GOOD LORD SHE FAINTED!!!
Let us not forget China; Confucius, he say,
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot, is unsanitary.
Man who walk sideways thru airport turnstile going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who drops watch in toilet
has crappy time.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
Crowded elevator smells
different to midget.
Man who smokes pot chokes on handle.
Chinese eye doctor say, Man who
don't like cataracts should drive Rincoln Continentals
As the rest of International Night would probably not pass the censor, here, to fill out this section, a monologue
from "Seniors' Moments."
Seniors should have to wear signs that say, I'm just plain Stupid. That
way you wouldn't rely on them would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me...oops, never mind. I
didn't see your sign.
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul
truck in our driveway. My retired neighbour comes over and says... Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
A couple of months ago I went fishing with
a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this old idiot on the dock
goes, Hey, y'all catch all them fish? Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign.
I was watching
one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way
to test it... Alright Senior Citizen Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool
of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you...Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. An old guy walks
by, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR, he said, Tire go flat?. I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around
and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.
We were trying to sell our car about
a year ago. A old geezer came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes, on a test drive. We get back
to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn that's hot! See? If he'd been
wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't
ya know, one day I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried.
I radioed in for help and settled down to wait; eventually a local retiree pulls up to take a look. He gave the situation
the once over, gazed at the truck, then at the bridge, back at the truck. I figured he was being pretty sharp, until he asked..
So, is your truck stuck? I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, No
I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign.
Note; much creative licence has
been used in the backgrounds of
the photos in this section, in
contrast to the
seen elsewhere on the site.
Our host,U.N.Sec. Gen.
Prepare the torpedoes!
Doug and his groupies.
Where men are men,
and Toys'R Us.
Beware! The infantry's coming!
I think we took a
wrong turn somewhere Uri.
No, she volunteered.
The Andrews Sisters.
Although not in this show,
these gals pop up all over the place.