Included here are some examples of the kind of “stuff” we find is both easy to do, and creates lots of merriment. “International Night” started with Russia.
Vladimir Klutzo( arm the torpedoes) (There is the captain at the periscope, three people with their hands on the shoulders of the person in front of them, and Vladimir at the back. Whatever the captain commands is echoed as quickly as possible through the chain of command.
"Here vee are in our Soviet submarine. Ahead vee have an enemy fessel. Prepare dee torpedos!"
(Prepare dee torpedoes, prepare dee torpedoes, prepare dee torpedoes.)
After staring at the many buttons with a stupified expression, Vladimir says "I don't know how!"
(He don't know how, he don't know how, he don't know how,) back to the captain in front.)
Mein Gott, vat stupidity! Press dee Green button! (press dee green button, ...)
Vladimir hunts a bit, brightens up, and presses the green button. “ Torpedoes prepared”
“Torpedoes prepared(repeat, repeat…)
"I haff him! Fire dee torpedoe one!" (Fire ...)
"I don't know how..." (He don't ...)
"By dee czar's mustache ... press dee Blue button!" (Press ...)
Vladimir presses the blue button with a flourish, “Shhhh” then the chain of command from Vladimir back to the captain says “ Shhhh! Shhhh! Shhhh!” to imitate the torpedo being fired and rushing ahead.
"Damm! Vee missed! Fire torpedo Two!" (Fire torpedo two, fire ...)
I don't know how... (he don't ...)
"Wass fuer ein Polak ... press dee Yellow Button!" (Press de yellow button...) Vlad presses button “ Shhhh! Shhh! Shhhhh!”(the torpedo is fired)
"Vee haff missed again! Iff vee miss a third time, I shall shoot myself! Fire torpedo Three! " (Fire ...)
"I don't know how..." (he don't ...)
"Dee Orange button!" (Dee Orange...)
Vlad presses button “Shhhh! Shhhh! Shhhhhhh!”
"Vee haff missed a third time. I am not vurthee to serff mein country. Gootbye." And he shoots himself.
The second guy picks up the gun, and shoots himself. And the third. And the fourth.
Vladimir Klutzo picks up the gun, looks at it this way and that, then says, "I don't know how..."
Next came America
City Slicker(America) The characters are a City Slicker( a driver), and Ma, Pa, Boy, and Sis. The city Slicker drives up in front of the log cabin and honks his automobile horn. Ma comes out of the cabin.
MA: Howdy! What’d ya'll want?
DRIVER: How do I get to Chattanooga?
MA: I don't rightly know, but I'll ask my son. Sonny (calls into the cabin), how do you get to Chattanooga?
BOY(comes out): I don't rightly know. I'll ask Sis. Sis! How do you get to Chattanooga?
SIS(comes out): I don't rightly know. I'll ask Pa. Pa! How do you get to Chattanooga?
PA(comes out): Let me see now (scratches head). I guess I don't know either.
DRIVER: Boy, you people are sure dumb. You don't know anything, do you?
PA: Well, it's this away. We might not be very smart, but we ain't lost.
And now for dear old England
WHAT SOCIALIZED MEDICINE IS LEADING TO IN ENGLAND
WIFE: Well its come dear, our 5th anniversary and no children. If only I’d known they would pass a law like this.
HUSBAND: Yes and there is no way around it either, I’ve read and re-read it “Falling Birth Rates.” It is compulsory for married couples to have at least 1 child within 5 years of their married life. Failure to comply with this act will entail the services of a Government Agent being called in to assist.
WIFE: Oh dear, I suppose the man from the Ministry of Births will be here to..
HUSBAND: I suppose so. Well, I have to be off to work (exit husband)
MAN AT THE DOOR: Good morning, I’ve come to…
WIFE: Yes I know. Come in. Will you excuse me for a minute (exit wife)
MAN. ( to himself ) I suppose this is the right address. However I don’t want to impose. I don’t see why these proud mothers can’t bring their babies to the studio to be photographed. Still, she seems to be expecting me.
WIFE: (coming back) Won’t you sit down Mr…
MAN: Jones is the name. I suppose your husband is agreeable to this.
WIFE: Yes, we both think it is the best thing, seeing he can’t do it.
MAN: Yes, a professional touch is really necessary for perfect results. Well. I might as well get busy. May I suggest 2 on the sofa, 1 on the mat, another in the bathtub and 1 more on the bed?
WIFE: Good heavens. I didn’t think that many would be necessary.
MAN: Well Madam, even the best of us can’t get a good one every time. but 1 out of 5 is bound to take.
WIFE: Forgive me, but it really seems a little informal doesn’t it?
MAN: The charm of the thing is the informality. Would you like to some samples of my work (producing his photographs). Now look at this baby, took me 4 hours to get but isn’t he a beauty?
WIFE: Yes a lovely child to be sure.
MAN: And look at this one. This was tough assignment, done on top of a bus in 1 shot.
WIFE: Good heavens on top of a bus?
MAN: It’s not really too difficult after a bit of practice and I do get a kick out of my work. Now here’s one done in Selfridges window.
WIFE: Selfridges window? Doesn’t that seem a little public?
MAN: Yes but the mother was a film actress and wanted publicity. Now the other one here was my toughest assignment. I did this job in St. James Park one snowy afternoon. Took me from 2 until 5. Worst conditions I ever worked under.
WIFE: (weakly) St. James park? MY GOD AND TWINS TOO.
MAN: It was some job. People were crowding about me 4 and 5 deep to get a look at my work.
WIFE: Oh! Oh!
MAN: I could never have finished it except for the assistance of 2 bobbies.. I would have got another shot, but for the squirrels, they kept nibbling away at my equipment. Now then Madam, will you help me get my tripod erected? You see I have a 3 footer. GOOD LORD SHE’S FAINTED!!!
Let us not forget China; Confucius, he say,
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot, is unsanitary.
Man who walk sideways thru airport turnstile going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Man who drops watch in toilet has crappy time.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Man who smokes pot chokes on handle.
Chinese eye doctor say, “Man who don’t like cataracts should drive Rincoln Continentals”
As the rest of “International Night” would probably not pass the censor, here, to fill out this section, a monologue from “ Seniors’ Moments”
Seniors should have to wear signs that say, "I'm just plain Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My retired neighbour comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this old idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Senior Citizen Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. An old guy walks by, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR, he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A old geezer came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes, on a test drive. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know, one day I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and settled down to wait; eventually a local retiree pulls up to take a look. He gave the situation the once over, gazed at the truck, then at the bridge, back at the truck. I figured he was being pretty sharp, until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."