Make your own free website on Tripod.com

Cottonwood Castoffs Corner
FAWLTY HOTEL
Home
Video
About Our Club
Club Photo Album
Club Photo Album 2
SCRIPTS
SKIT SAMPLES
Speshul FX
FX2
FX3
Pantomime Pt1
Pantomime pt2
FAWLTY HOTEL
One Small Step
Related Links
Contact Us

WITH ABJECT APOLOGIES TO THE BBC!!

The gang was well challenged with this one.
But of course they came through like the troopers they are.

Cast : Fawlty, Sybil, Polly, Manuel, Major, Mrs. Richards, (+ delivery man/guest).
Sid Manuel
Pat Carlson - narrator (if necessary)
Bernie - Major
Sharon - Mrs. Richards
Beryl - Polly
Olwen - Sybil
Fred - Fawlty
Earl departing guest/delivery man

Pat McNicholl & Isobel Boylan - Props and Scenery
Brenda, Sharon, Fred - Producer/Director

Scene 1
Reception area of hotel.
Polly is busy with paper work, enter domineering Mrs.R. with hearing aid.
Now then, girl, I am Mrs. Richards, Mrs. Alice Richards. I have booked a room, and it must have a view, it must have a nice bath, it must have a radio
Polly, Yes madam, oh Manuel, will you show Mrs. Richards to room 22 please
Mrs.R. Now, little man, my room must have a view, it must be comfortable, the room temperature must be 78 degrees. Do you understand all that?
Manuel, Que?
Mrs.R. K?
Manuel, Si
Mrs.R. K, C?
Manuel, No, Que, What!
Mrs.R. K ,C, Watt? You silly little man, wheres the manager?
Manuel, Ah, the Manaher, Mr. Fawlty
Mrs.R. Forty?
Manuel, Que?
Mrs, R. Forty?
Manuel, No, Fawlty!
Mrs. R. Fawlty? Whats the matter with him? What the devil is going on here? See here girl, I asked this little man for the manager and he goes on about some person who is forty. What a way to run a business!
Polly, Its all right Mrs. Richards, hes from Barcelona.
Mrs. R. The managers from Barcelona?
Polly, No, no, Manuels from Barcelona, the manager is Mr Fawlty
Mrs. R. What?
Polly repeats, more loudly,
Manuel, Si, the Manaher is from Sweendon
Mrs. R. What?
Manuel, Que?
Mrs. R. K?
Manuel. Si
Mrs. R. K, C?
Manuel, Que?
Polly, Oh, never mind Manuel, please show Mrs Richards to her room, 22
Exit Manuel and Mrs. R. still grumbling.
Enter Fawlty, who is greeted by departing guest, Well thank you again Fawlty, enjoyed my stay as usual, must get back to Head Office.
Fawlty, Nice to have you again, hope you come back soon.
Guest, I say Fawlty, you wouldnt be a betting man would you?
Fawlty, glancing over shoulder, Well I was once.
Guest, cos theres a very nice filly running at Exeter, in the 3.30, Dragonfly, its well worth a flutter.
Enter Sybil suddenly. Fawlty, guiltily, Well, Im delighted you enjoyed your stay, do come again soon.
Guest, as he exits, Remember now Fawlty, Dragonfly
Fawlty, embarrassed, And good luck to you with it. There you are Sybil, a satisfied customer, we should have him stuffed
Sybil, suspicious, What was that all about then?
Fawlty, Oh the name of some horse I reckon he fancies. Oh good morning Major, youre looking very spiffy this morning, whats the occasion then?
Major, sporting ceremonial blazer and tie, Jolly nice morning Fawlty, St Georges day dont you know. Got a horse then? Gonna have a little wager are we?
Sybil, Oh, Mr. Fawlty doesnt do that any more, DO YOU Basil?
Fawlty, No dear, that particular avenue of pleasure has been securely shut off dear!
Sybil, acidly, And we dont want it to start again do we?
Fawlty, sullen, No YOU dont dear!
Sybil exits. Fawlty, Good old April 23rd.. Good old St. George eh, Major?
Major, What do you mean old boy?
Fawlty, Well, HE killed an ugly old fire breathing dragon, didnt he?
Polly returns, Come on now Mr. Fawlty, you dont mean that
Fawlty, Oh dont I? Have you ever seen her make my toast in the morning? Breathes twice on imaginary piece of toast.
Manuel rushes in all flustered, Meester Fawlty, Meester Fawlty, come quick, Mrs. eh, eh, room 22, there is problem; she want speak to you!

Scene 2
Room 22
Fawlty enters Room where Mrs. R. is inspecting under mattress.
Fawlty, Good morning Madam, can I help you?
Mrs. R. Are you the manager?
Fawlty, I am the owner
Mrs.R. I want the manager
Fawlty, I am the manager too
Mrs, R. What?
Fawlty. I am the manager and the owner
Mrs. R. What?
Fawlty, I am the manager, as well
Manuel, Si, senora, he is Manaher
Mrs. R. Youre the what?
Fawlty, Im the manager!
Mrs. R. Watt?
Fawlty, IM THE MANAGER!
Mrs. R. Yes, I know, you just told me, whats the matter with you? Now look here, I booked a room with a bath
Fawlty, You have a bath
Mrs. R. Im not paying 20 pounds a night plus tax, for a room with a bath, and then not get a bath
Fawlty, You have a bath, look, through here, theres your bath
Mrs. R. frostily, You call that a bath? You couldnt drown a mouse in there!
Fawlty, grimly, I wish you were a mouse, Id like to try!
Mrs. R. And another thing, I asked for a room with a view
Fawlty, dripping sarcasm, Now let me take a look, I seem to remember, yes that is definitely your view out there.
Mrs. R. When I say a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Fawlty. But that is Torquay, Madam.
Mrs. R. Well its not good enough.
Fawlty, Just what do you expect to see from a Torquay hotel bedroom window? The Sidney Opera House? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically across
Mrs. R. You cant see the sea
Fawlty, You can see the sea, its over there between the ground and the sky!
Mrs. R. Its too far away
Fawlty, Well may I suggest moving to a hotel closer to the sea, drops voice, or preferably in it.
Mrs. R. Look here, I have decided to stay, but I shall expect a reduction
Fawlty, Why, because Krakatoa doesnt happen to be erupting, for your entertainment, right at this moment?
Mrs. R. The baths too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesnt work.
Fawlty, No the radio does work, Strides to radio, switches it on full volume, Manuel claps hands over his ears, Fawlty switches radio off, I am pretty sure we had something coming through just then
Mrs R. What?
Fawlty. Do you by any chance have a hearing aid?
Mrs.R. What?
Fawlty, shouting, A hearing aid
Mrs. R. Yes I do, in fact Im wearing it right now
Fawlty. Would you like me to repair it?
Mrs. R. Repair it? Theres nothing wrong with it, I just dont put the batteries in.
Fawlty. Why ever not?
Mrs. R. It wears them out! Fawlty rolls his eyes in exasperation.
Mrs. R. Now what about my reduction?
Fawlty, under his breath, Sixteen percent if you turn that thing on
Mrs. R. Sixteen percent?
Fawlty, Ahah, you heard that all right didnt you, you old bat. My good wife handles all the financial arrangements. Leaves room with Manuel, hands still over ears. Manuel, Manuel, you must go to the betting shop
Manuel, Que?
Fawlty, slapping Manuel on back of head to make him move his hands from his ears, You must go to the betting shop, put this money on a horse for me; Dragonfly, and Manuel..
Manuel, Que?
Fawlty, It is big secret, Sybil must know nothing about it
Manuel, Si, Mrs. Fawlty know nutting


scene 3
reception area.
Sybil on telephone to hairstylist, Oh, Desiree, I wanted to have a word about my hairdo. No, no, its lovely, its just that the colour is a bit buttery against my skin, refers to glossy magazine, do you have Cosmopolitan there, the picture on page 42. You see Kevin Costner? Well behind him theres a girl staring at Brad Pitt; well thats more the colour I want; OK, Ill bring the wig back in tomorrow, thank you Desiree. goes into back office, Polly keep this here will you, it has to go back to my stylist. exits.
Enter Manuel, furtively, Polly, Polly, where is Meester Fawlty, I have money for him, he win on horse, But Mrs. Fawlty must know nutting!
Polly, All right, give it to me and Ill see he gets it.
Manuel, Si, but ees big secret.
Polly counts money, unaware that Sybil has re-entered office and sees her counting. Sybil leaves.
Mrs. R. marches into reception, muttering to herself, First they give me a room without a bath, and now there is no toilet paper. Bangs her hand up and down on bell, which she does not hear ringing, but which brings Polly running. Yes, can I help you Mrs. Richards?
Mrs. R. Theres no paper in my room, thats what you get paid for isnt it?
Polly, But we dont put it in the rooms.
Mrs. R. What?
Polly, We dont put it in the rooms, we put it in the lounge, in case somebody wants to use it.
Mrs. R. Use it? Why would I want to use it in the lounge?
Polly, Ill have some sent up. Do you want plain ones or ones with our address on it?
Mrs. R. Address on it?
Polly, How many sheets, enough for one or more?
Mrs. R. This is disgraceful, Manager, manager!
Fawlty, ultra politely, Testing, testing, earth to Mrs. Richards. Yes?
Mrs. R. I come down to ask for toilet paper, and this girl insults me with some of the most personal questions Ive ever heard in my life!
Polly, I thought she wanted writing paper.
Mrs. R. Absolute disgrace.
Fawlty, No, no Madam, she thought you wanted to write.
Mrs. R. Fight? Ill give her a fight!
Fawlty, Oh God, she thought you wanted to write on it.
Mrs. R. Why should I want to bite on it?
Fawlty, picks up paper and writes on it, WRITE! Ill have some sent up to your room immediately, Manuel, pronto, toilet paper , now, 22. Madam may I suggest you turn your hearing aid on?
Mrs. R. What?
Fawlty, Turn it on, shouting, turn it on, picks up paper and writes TURN IT ON.
Mrs. R. I cant read that, I need my glasses!
Polly, Theyre on your head, Mrs. Richards.
Mrs.R. I cant read a thing without them. Mumbles on, meanwhile,
Fawlty, pointing towards her head Your glasses are there!
Mrs. R. looking towards dining room, There? Who on earth put them there? Heads offstage.
Fawlty, Oh dear God!
Polly, Mr. Fawlty, I have some money for you, from Manuel, your horse won.
Fawlty, Oh, marvellous, give it to me, but remember, not a word to Sybil. Exits.
Mrs. R. re-enters, Whats the matter with you girl, they were on my head all the time, cant you use your eyes?
Polly, Yes, but I dont, in case it wears the batteries out!
Mrs. R. I am going to my room, send that paper up Leaves.
Enter Manuel, laden down with huge amount of toilet paper.
Polly, Manuel, what ARE you doing?
Manuel, You say take toilet paper to room, 22.
Polly, NO, no, not 22 rolls, take toilet paper to room 22. Shakes head as Manuel stumbles off.

scene 4
dining room.
Fawlty grabs Manuel, I think she suspects. Manuel, you know NOTHING!
Manuel, with hurt feelings, You always say that Meester Fawlty, but I learn, everyday, I learn new words, I study and learn new things.. goes on and on.
Fawlty, finger against side of nose, No, no, you know nothing about the horse.
Manuel, finger against side of nose, Ah, Si, I know nutting about the horse.
Fawlty, yes thats right. starts to leave.
Manuel, I know nutting about what horse?
Fawlty, My horse, nitwit!
Manuel, Your horse nitwit.
Fawlty, Not nitwit, Dragonfly. Look you know the horse?
Manuel, Which horse, nitwit or Dragonfly?
Fawlty, No Dragonfly, youre the nitwit.
Manuel, What is witnit?
Fawlty, Nitwit, nitwit! Good God, I shall be having this conversation for the rest of my life. Now, please concentrate, BEFORE ONE OF US DIES! Look, my horse Dragonfly, it won, it won.
Manuel, I know, you give me money, I put it on horse, it win, I bring you money. What for you say I know nutting?
Fawlty, If Mrs. Fawlty is around you know nothing about the horse.
Manuel, Aah, si, I understand
Sybil appears, Basil, I have Mrs. Richards in the office. You will have to help me, I can do nothing with her. She says shes had money stolen. There is 85 pounds missing from her purse and she insists on calling the police.
Basil enters office, Ah, Mrs. Richards, how nice to see you again, loudly, how are you enjoying your stay?
Mrs R. Theres no need to shout, I am wearing my hearing aid and it is turned on. This is a disgrace, I havent been here a day yet, and now I have money stolen. There is 85 pounds gone from my bag, which was hidden under the mattress. What kind of staff do you have here? What do you have to say for yourself?
Fawlty pretends to be speaking, but is only miming.
Mrs. R. What, speak up man, what are you saying? Let me turn the volume up.
Fawlty continues, Mrs. R. fumbles with hearing aid, WHAT? turns volume up, Fawlty leans over and yells into microphone, MY GOODNESS, THATS TERRIBLE!
Sybil, Oh dear that gave you quite a shock, why dont you go and have a lie down, while we sort this out?
Mrs. R. I want you to call the police.
Sybil, And we will, as soon as we have carried out a proper search. Mrs. R. leaves.
Fawlty yells, And while youre sleeping maybe Ill come up and slip a bat up your nightshirt.
Sybil, What are we going to do?
Fawlty, Well, if we cant find a bat, Im sure a cock roach will do just as well.
Sybil, No, no, I mean what are we going to do about the missing money?
Fawlty, Oh, Sybil, dont be daft, the old hag has probably just misplaced it.
Sybil, But I did see Polly counting some money earlier, perhaps we should ask her about it.
Fawlty, realising what this means, What? Oh no dear, we cant go giving the girl the third degree like that, its probably her own money.
Sybil, No, she told me herself that she is short of money right now, I better go talk with her, Polly, where are you, Polly." Exits.
Polly enters, Fawlty is in a panic, Polly, Sybil saw you counting the money!
Polly, What?
Fawlty, She saw you with the money, youll have to say its yours, as Sybil enters, ah, there you are dear, I found her, see? Polly, Mrs. Fawlty wants to talk to you about some money, which Im sure IS YOURS.
Sybil, Now then, Polly, Mr. Fawlty feels awkward about me discussing money with you, I told him that quite probably someone handed it in, yes?
Polly, No, its my money.
Sybil, suspiciously, Oh, really?
Polly, Yes, I won it; on a horse; the one Mr. Fawlty got a tip on. I hope you dont mind, Mr. Fawlty.
Fawlty, loftily, Oh no, not at all, jolly good for you.
Sybil, I didnt know you followed the horses Polly.
Polly, I dont normally, but I was in town, passed the betting shop, and just popped in on a whim.
Fawlty, Well, there you are then, see if I had a bet on like that dear, I would have had those winnings, 75 pounds eh?
Sybil, Those were the odds then?
Fawlty, Yes, 14 to 1, I listened to it on the wireless, just to see how the rest of the world lives.
Sybil, Polly, what was the name of the horse?
Fawlty freezes, then , standing behind Sybil, starts gesticulating wildly.
Polly, Ive gone blank; Birdbrain, um, Fishwife, Claw, um, Big Beak, oh dear, Dragonfly!
Fawlty, Well, there now, thats all right, isnt it?
Sybil, If I find it was your money that went on that horse, you know what Ill do Basil. Exits.
Fawlty, grimly, Youll have to sew them back on first.
Enter Major.
Fawlty, I say Major, as Major heads towards bar, can I interest you in a drink?
Major, Very sporting of you old man, Im on my way to a memorial.
Fawlty, Ties a bit bright for a memorial isnt it?
Major, Oh I didnt like the chap; bit of a , waves wrist limply, you know what I mean?
Fawlty, Ah, I see. Listen Major, I need a favour; could you look after some money for me?
Major, Well now, Im a bit short myself at the moment.
Fawlty, No, no, no, you see I won some money; on a horse, only Sybils a bit suspicious. Hands money to Major.
Major, Oh I see, whats the name of the horse?
Fawlty, Dragonfly.
Major, And what race is it in?
Fawlty, It already did run, and it won, but Id like you to keep the money.
Major, trying to return money, Oh no, old boy, I couldnt possibly do that; the moneys yours.
Fawlty, Im trying to keep it a secret from Sybil, so I want you to hold on to it for me
Major, Bit of a surprise present eh, what?
Fawlty, Um, something like that.
Major, Cheers, swallows brandy and leaves, while Fawlty looks smugly victorious.

scene 5.
reception. Telephone rings. Fawlty picks it up as Mrs. R. enters reception area.
Fawlty, Fawlty Hotel.
Mrs. R. Watt!
Fawlty, I didnt say anything yet, listens to phone.
Mrs. R. Did you call the police yet?
Fawlty, Er, um, yes I did.
Mrs. R. And when are they coming?
Fawlty, sarcastically, Not for a while yet; theyre very busy just now; there was lots of bloodshed at The Nell Gwynne Tea-rooms last night. Mrs. R. wanders away.
Fawlty, Mrs. Richards, no answer, so, very loud, Mrs. Richards; the telephones for you.
Mrs. R. Hello? Hello? theres no one there.
Fawlty, takes phone, Hello? Yes, I know she is, try talking louder, hands phone back.
Mrs. R. hello? hello? Weve been cut off. Disgraceful, does nothing in this hotel work?
Fawlty, Hello? Look may I suggest you tell me what you want to say, and Ill pass it on. Its your sister. It seems that somebody has made an offer of 85000 pounds on your house in Brighton, and she wants to know what to do.
Mrs. R. 85000? grabs phone, Now look here Stephanie, 92500 pounds is what I said, and I wont take a penny less! slams down phone, Why dont people listen? Exits.
Fawlty, Ah, Major, can I have the money now?
Major, Money, what money?
Fawlty, The money I won on the horse, I gave it to you last night to keep for me.
Major, I dont remember that old boy.
Fawlty, Remember you were going to the memorial for a chap you didnt like? Because he was one of those. Limp-wristed.
Major, A damned pansy? Where, in the dining room? You should throw him out.
Fawlty, No, no, no, yesterday, you were going to a remembrance.
Major, Remembrance, no I dont remember that.
Fawlty, You were wearing your best suit. Oh, God, look never mind. I gave you the money, it was 75 pounds.
Mrs. R. re-enters, You lying hound, what do you mean by telling me you have called the police? Your wife has just told me youre not going to do it until youve searched all the rooms.
Enter Sybil, Couldnt it just wait until we finish looking?
Mrs. R. Very well, I will call them myself.
Sybil, Well then, would you prefer to call from the office, come through here then, behind her back, Fawlty mimes fitting an arrow to his bow and aiming at Mrs. R. Basil, quickly while I keep her occupied, search her room thoroughly.
Fawlty, Yes dear.
Major, I say Fawlty, I found the money, in my inside pocket. Dont know how it got there, I usually keep money in my hip pocket.
Fawlty, Yes, yes, can I have it.
Major, But of course, digs into hip pocket, by George, its gone!
Fawlty, No, no, in that pocket.
Major, Good Lord, yes, here it is. Holds money up with a flourish.
Enter Sybil, Whats that Major?
Major, I found it, money.
Sybil, Oh marvellous. Mrs. Richards, your money!
Mrs. R. What?
Sybil, Your money, weve found your money. Hands it over while Fawlty seethes helplessly.
Mrs. R. Its ten pounds short.
Fawlty, insanely What? Short? Oh my God what a disaster, lets have a whip round. Hysterically tries to empty the Charity containers. Sybil smacks him over the head with rolled up newspaper.
Sybil, Major where exactly did you find it? We need to find the rest.
Major, In my pocket, in my new suit, cant think how it got there.
Sybil, Would you mind if I popped up and had a look?
Major, Not at all dear lady. Sybil leaves.
Mrs. R. Did I hear you say the money was in your pocket?
Major, Yes, yes it was.
Fawlty, Excuse me, may I explain?
Mrs. R. Whatever was it doing in your pocket?
Fawlty, If I might explain for you.
Mrs. R. Youre not explaining anything. You are absolutely loopy, mad as a March hare.
Fawlty, Yes, I am, youre absolutely right, Im goosey loosey, thats why I gave him the money to look after.
Mrs.R. Whaat?
Fawlty, You see, theres been a mistake. That is my money!
Mrs. R. Rubbish.
Fawlty, No, you see, I intended to use it to buy a surprise present for my wife; thats why I couldnt say anything just now.
Mrs. R. Utter rot!
Fawlty, Look, the Major will confirm it wont you Major?
Major, Hmm? What old boy?
Fawlty, on a slow boil, Tell Mrs. Richards about the money I gave you to keep for me last night.
Major, Money?
Fawlty, You know, the money I won on a horse.
Mrs. R. What was that?
Major, He said he won it on a horse.
Fawlty, Major, dont you remember me giving it to you? pause, please think!
Major, What was the question again?
Fawlty, spotting Manuel, Manuel, Manuel, Manuel.
Manuel, Que?
Fawlty, Manuel, you remember that money I gave you to bet on a horse?
Manuel, Ah, Si.
Fawlty, Please tell Mrs. Richards what happened when you bet that money.
Manuel, after clearing throat several times, Si, Si, I know nutting!
Fawlty, incredulous, What?
Manuel, finger to side of nose, I know nutting about a horse, about a horse I know nutting, and proudly, I am from Barthelona!
Mrs. R. I cant take any more of this nonsense. I am going to finish my breakfast, and when I come back, I expect to get the rest of my money! exits.
Manuel, Remember, I know nutting.
Fawlty, Im going to send you to a vivesectionist.
Sybil walks through, I cant find the rest of it anywhere Basil, just take it out of the till.
Fawlty, at the end of his tether, Right. Walks behind counter, beats head on wall, proceeds to have complete breakdown, during which the deliveryman enters.
Del Man, Do you have a Mrs. Richards staying here?
Fawlty collapses, immediately springs up, and calmly says, Yes we do.
Del Man, Well this is the vase she bought yesterday. She wanted it delivered. Only, funny thing, she left some money behind, tucked in this glove. 95 pounds. Is she in?
Fawlty, who has become transfixed with the glove, NO, Ill give it to her.
Del Man, Well, thats very good of you. Have a nice day. Leaves.
Fawlty, with a mad gleam in his eye, blows a kiss to Heaven, starts counting the money as Polly arrives.
Polly, Whats that?
Fawlty, Its money, Polly, and its all mine. I even came out ahead. Even if I give the old witch her other 10 pounds, I still have 85 pounds, 10 pounds more than I had. For the very first time ever in my life, I am coming out ahead. Oh thank you Lord! Hah, hah, hah, oh hello again, dear Mrs. Richards. The vase you bought has just arrived. Now just remind me; the money you have, is that yours or mine?
Mrs. R. I told you its mine.
Fawlty, You are absolutely sure?
Mrs. R. Yes, I am
Fawlty, But youre still 10 pounds short?
Mrs. R. Exactly.
Fawlty, Polly, would you please give this 10 pounds to Mrs. Richards? Hands to Polly, who passes it on.
Mrs. R. And what is that?
Fawlty, gloating, holds up money, This, is mine.
Enter Sybil, Whats that Basil?
Fawlty, taken by surprise, Eek, what? what?
Sybil, That money, where did it come from?
Polly, Its mine.
Sybil, Yours?
Polly, Its the money I won on that horse.
Fawlty, Yes, yes, Polly had just given it to me to put in the safe. Well now, thats all sorted out nicely, we can get back to normal. Mrs. Richards here is your vase Holds vase out.
Enter Major, Fawlty, you were right, I remember now; you did give me that money. You said you won it on a horse.
Sybil, On a horse eh? Snatches money from Fawltys hand.
Fawlty, Oh no! Drops vase which smashes.
Mrs. R. That was 75 pounds!
Sybil, Well then, 75 pounds you shall have! Proceeds to count out Fawltys money.
Scene dissolves amid pandemonium.