Sample programme

PENCILS, part 1.
Slick; Mornin' squire, you a gambling man, like to have a bet?
Slug; Ooh, I love a gamble, gambling's me middle name.
Slick; Knew you would, knew you would. Now then, I'm gonna ask you a question. All you have to do is
answer "Pencil" and you win.
Slug; Pencil? That's all? Ooh that sounds easy. Here's my $5.
Slick; And here's mine. Okay, are you ready?
Slug; You betcha.
Slick; That was the first question! You lose! You have to say "Pencil".
Slug; Damn, that was silly. Let's do it again. Here's my $5.
Slick; And my bet. Remember now "Pencil" Couldn't be easier could it?
Slug; No, you're right , let's go!
Slick; I'm sorry, that was the second question. You lose again! "Pencil"
Slug; Oh shoot! Okay one more chance, double or quits. Here's $10.
Slick; You're on. $10. Okay now, are you ready?
Slug; Ye??a, I get it. "Pencil"
Slick; You got it! You win! (Slug dances around in excitement)
Slick; Now, would you rather have this pencil or all this money?
Slug; Ho ho ho, I see, "Pencil"
Slick; Oh, alright, (Hands over pencil, picks up money and leaves).

PENCILS part 2
Important Guy: "OK, Aug, I want you to sell these pencils."
Aug: "Pen-solls"
Important Guy: "That's right, Aug. Now, when you see someone coming down the street, I want you to tell them what you're selling."
Aug: "Pen-solls"
Important Guy: "Yes, Aug. Be more enthusiastic about it!"
Aug, waving his hands in the air: "Pen-Solls!!!"
Important Guy: "Very good, Aug. Now, people will want to buy your pencils, and they'll ask how much they are. They come in $2, $5, and $10 packs. Got that?"
Aug: "Pen-solls?"
Important Guy: "No: Two, Five, Ten."
Aug: "Two .. Five ... Ten!!!"
Important Guy: "I think you've got that. Now Aug, one more thing.
Someone might ask why they should buy your pencils. If they ask that, Aug, I want you to tell them this. 'If you don't, somebody else will'".
Aug: "If you dont ... somebody else will!"
Important Guy: "Very good. Now, get out there and sell pencils!"
The important guy wanders offstage, and Aug wanders to the other side of the stage. A man on the street approaches Aug. Aug runs to him waving his hands. "Pen-Solls!!!"
Man on street: "Hey, you're a real jerk! How many people have you done this to?"
Aug "Two, Five, Ten!"
Man on street: "You're really asking for a punch in the mouth, buddy."
Aug "If you don't, .. somebody else will!"
Man on street punches Aug, who falls flat, that's the end of the skit.



DID YOU SEE THAT?
Stanley, in a strong European accent "Hello there, I am Arthur Stanley Livingstone, the world famous ornithoptitologist! (That means I watch birds, you know.) And this is my nephew and assistant, Todd.
Say hello Todd."
Todd, not really paying attention "H'lo"
This is a big forest, and we should see some very rare birds indeed! I can hardly contain myself. Right Todd?
Todd "Oh. Uh, yeah."
Stanley slowly, carefully stalks along, looking around, listening for the slightest peep. Todd shuffles after him.
Stanley, turning around, staring with wide open eyes for a second, then jumping up and down "Did you see that!! Did you see that!!"
Todd "Er, what"
Stanley "You mean you missed it?"
Todd, pauses a second, then admits it "uh, yeah"
Stanley "Well! My word. Todd, that was a very rare bird, the Oohweeoo-plit-plit-plit-awaah. And you missed it. It's named after it's call, you know."
Todd "Mmm, what's it sound like?"
Stanley, after a suspensful pause "peep!"
Stanley continues his slow stalking and looking around, Todd follows after him.
Stanley, stopping and looking up wide-eyed. Todd actually walks into him. "Did you see that!! Did you see that!!!"
Todd "Er, um, well"
Stanley, somewhat cross "Well?"
Todd "No."
Stanley, after a long sigh "Now that, my dear boy, was an Ooh-aah bird. Have you heard of the ooh-aah bird?"
Todd "No"
Stanley"The Ooh-ahh bird, Todd, is a three-pound bird that lays a four-pound egg." Pantomiming the egg-laying process
"Oooooooooooh .. ahhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Stanley and Todd continue their pacing about the stage
Stanley " Now surely you saw that?"
Todd(cleverly) "Well yes, I did see that"
Stanley "Then why in the blazes did you step in it?"

THE THREE ESCAPEES
Three desperate escaped prisoners. They're running from the dogs. They're exhausted. They're about to get caught, so they climb some trees. (Three other people are the trees.)
The dogs go to the first tree, with the authorities behind them. The first convict does bird imitations. "Dumb dogs, there's nothing but birds up that tree!"
They go to the next tree, where the second convict does a cat imitation. "Dumb dogs, that's just a cat!"
They go to the final tree, where the third guy is hiding. "Moooo!"

PROTECTION RACKET
The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.
Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, they reasoned, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing or who he was doing it for.
Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and send some of their hoods after the deaf collector.
The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector communicates with them in ASL. They don't understand a word he is saying and decide to drag him to an interpreter.
The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"
The deaf guy replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."
The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"
The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."
The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

NEWLY WEDS
Betty and Bob have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Bob came home from work saying he'd invited four friends from the office home for dinner on Friday.
Betty is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for them all. Bob explains that there will actually be eight coming, as each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake.
This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get. Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't you just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea. At four, hubby gets another phone call-this time quite frantic. "I just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible." "Now, now, what's the matter?" "Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..." "So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them? "Yes-then it needs 4 cups of flour." "Well," Bob says rather testily, "you will have to use 8 cups of flour-what is the problem?" "It isn't the ingredients," Betty cries, "it says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the heat up to 700 degrees!"

sample contd.

I CANNOT TELL A LIE
Indian Father lines up his three sons. "One of you pushed outhouse over cliff, two nights ago. Which of you did it?" "Not me" "not me!"
"Not me!!!"
"Come on, I promise not to punish you. Who did it?"
"Not me!" "Not me!" "Not me!"
"Let me tell you story of great American hero, George Washington. When he was a boy, he chopped down a cherry tree. His father came to him and asked, 'George, did you chop down that cherry tree?' 'I cannot tell a lie, father, I chopped down the cherry tree,' said little George.
'You should not have done that, but since you told the truth, I will not punish you.' And George Washington grew up to be President of the United States!"
"Now I ask you. Who pushed outhouse over the cliff?"
"Not me!" "Not me!" "I cannot tell a lie, father, I pushed the outhouse over the cliff."
"!@#$%!!!" (The father beats up the son who pushed the outhouse over the cliff.)
"Why did you beat me up? When George Washington told the truth, his father did not punish him!"
"George Washington's father wasn't IN the tree when George Washington chopped it down!"

THIS PICKIN??TTON WORLD
A guy is standing in the middle of the ring. Someone wanders in, stage left, carrying a boombox.
"Hey, nice radio! Where'd you get it?"
"Pickin' Cotton" and he continues wandering off stage right.
Another guy wanders in wearing a fancy shirt, stage left.
"Wow, cool shirt! Where'd you get it?"
"Pickin' Cotton" and he wanders off stage right.
Another guy wanders in wearing bright pants and fancy shoes, stage left.
"Awesome shoes, man. Where'd you get them?"
"Pickin' Cotton" and he wanders off stage right.
A guy limps in, stage left, beat up and wearing nothing except a towel wrapped around him.
"Who are you??"
"I'm Cotton!" and he limps off stage right.

THE BEAR NECESSITIES
Enter hikers, A and B, with backpacks.
A. What a wonderful day for a hike up the hills in these beautiful trees!
B. You said it! Where else could you have such a glorious day! Wait a minute, what was that noise?
A. What noise? I didn't hear anything.
B. Ssh, there it goes again, what is that?
Enter C, carrying scruffy little teddy bear, and saying Grr, Grr,circles behind A & B to far side of stage.
A. Oh, Oh. sits down and starts replacing hiking boots with runners from backpack.
B. What is it?
A. That? grizzly bear! And its got us trapped!
B. That? a grizzly bear?? (aside to audience, remember this is a low budget show)What do you think you're doing?
A. I'm putting on my running shoes.
B. Are you crazy! You'll never outrun a grizzly bear!
A. All I have to do is outrun you, See ya!(beats a very hasty retreat from the scene, quickly followed by B, yelling wait for me! equally quickly followed by Grizzly bear yelling Grr, Grrr!)

The Siberian Chickenfarmer
Farmer: "Here, chick chick chick ... Here, chick chick ... chick ..."
Two military types come up behind the farmer.
Police: "Comrade! Vat are you Doink!"
Farmer: "I'm feedink my chickens"
Police: "Vat are you Feedink dem, Comrade??"
Farmer: "Corn."
Police: "Fool! There is a shortage of corn!!!"
They beat him up. Oof. Ow.
Police, dragging him away: "Three years in the work camps for you!"
Narrator: Three years later, ...
Farmer: "Here, chick chick chick ... Here, chick chick ... chick ..."
Two military times come up behind the farmer.
Farmer, standing up some: "Uh oh ..."
Police: "Comrade! Vat are you Doink!"
Farmer: "I'm feedink my chickens"
Police: "Vat are you Feedink dem, Comrade??"
Farmer: "Wheat."
Police: "Fool! There is a shortage of wheat!!!"
They beat him up. Oof. Ow.
Police, dragging him away: "Five years in the work camps for you!"
Narrator: Five years later, ...
Farmer: "Here, chick chick chick ... Here, chick chick ... chick ..."
Two military times come up behind the farmer.
Farmer, standing up some: "Uh oh ..."
Police: "Comrade! Vat are you Doink!"
Farmer: "I'm feedink my chickens"
Police: "Vat are you Feedink them, Comrade??"
Farmer: "Rubles."
Police: "Rubles? But vy are you feedink them rubles, Comrade?"
Farmer: "They can buy their own food!"

I Gotta Go Wee
Five guys sleeping in a tent, all in a row. The scoutmaster on one end, the little scout on the other.
The little scout climbs over all the other sleeping scouts, who try to remain asleep, and shakes the scoutmaster. "Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! I gotta go wee!"
"Huh? Wha? Go back to sleep." The little scout crawls back over everyone and goes back to sleep for 5 seconds.
The little scout climbs over all the other sleeping scouts, who try to remain asleep, and shakes the scoutmaster. "Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! I gotta go wee!"
"Huh? Wha? Go back to sleep." The little scout crawls back over everyone and goes back to sleep for 5 seconds.
The little scout climbs over all the other sleeping scouts, who try to remain asleep, and shakes the scoutmaster. "Scoutmaster! Scoutmaster! I gotta go wee!"
"OK! OK!", says the scoutmaster, "If you've gotta go, then go."
The little scout stands up and waves his hands in the air: "Weee!!!!"

Mike the Midget
This is a Tim Conway sketch. You set up a puppet-theater like stage. Mike the midget is really two people. One person's head shows, and his arms are in pants and sneakers are on his hands. The other person stands behind, and puts their arms through a shirt, pretending to be the arms of Mike the Midget. Try having the hands slap a fly, or scratch the chin or head. Try having the feet do a dance, or fight with the hands.

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